jokes

[voldamort]

:kiss::p:thinking::happy:JOKES:kiss2:
opening these thread to post our jokes to make us smile...big grin...to make us laugh
A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited:lol::sleepy::love:

[voldamort]

:fool::sarcastic:A bloke went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. "You're
fired, and there is a summons for your arrest!" the boss exclaimed. The
bloke then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car
and he ran into a group of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the
collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out
that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance
ran out last week. On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some
money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best
friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his
way home and saw fire engines heading down his street. On arriving at his
house, he found that it was his house on fire. The firechief said that it
was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he
found that the homeowner's insurance also had been cancelled. The bloke,
now somewhat depressed, went into the local bar. He told the bartender
his story and the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime.
All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you
take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and sell
them door to door." Well, this sounded O.K. to the bloke, so off he went.
After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At
the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take
all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door.
As the bloke got to the back door the woman opened it and she was naked.
The bloke just broke down and started crying. The woman was quite beside
herself and asked what the problem was. The bloke answered "I've lost my
job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my
money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now...
You're going to screw me out of my huckleberries."

So this lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all
out... caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts
two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the
woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood
out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive,
and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But
the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that
he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain
the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one
of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he
swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at
the party? I would pay him $50!" Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let
me ask him. "HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?":speech:;)

[voldamort]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
bullet

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
bullet

To stamp out burning ducks:boo::kiss1::cool:

[voldamort]

Smart Pills
;):pissed:
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.'':love::sweat:

[voldamort]

YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...



* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.

[voldamort]

Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[voldamort]

Baby Gates and Microsoft

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time:

Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

[voldamort]

WHAT EMPLOYMENT ADS REALLY MEAN



"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

[voldamort]

Cheeky Kid


Quote:
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

[voldamort]

COLLEGE EXAM PRAYERS by jongskii

O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.

[gati]

nice section man.....

[anepat]

good collection..........................